I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
