My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
