the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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