So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
