And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
