During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
