Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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