I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
