Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
