We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
