i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
