the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
