I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
