What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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