the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
