the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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