two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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