It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
