Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Found your dick twin last night
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
