I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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