i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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