Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
