We're facebook friends in real life
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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