Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
