hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
