Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
