just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize