Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
