dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
When are your genitals available?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
