i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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