I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
