So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
