hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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