Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
