What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
