put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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