this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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