I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
