"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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