i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
