He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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