Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
