Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
