I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize