I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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