Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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