omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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