The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
True college students do jello shots in the library
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