I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
