I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
