are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
