We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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