I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
He kissed a someone with a penis
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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