1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
