I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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