Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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