Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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