i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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