So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
